Uncle Arthur’s Drunkin’ Fruit Cake Recipe

1 bottle Chocolate Port
1 cup of water
1 tsp salt
1 cup mixed fruit
1 cup butter
1 cup plain flour
1 cup sugar
1 tbsp brown sugar
4 large eggs
50g walnuts
Lemon juice
1 tsp baking powder


  • Place dried fruit, water & half a cup of sugar in small saucepan. Boil for 15 minutes.
  • Pour Chocolate Port into a shot glass, sample to test quality.
  • Get a large mixing bowl. Check Port again – pour one level cupful & drink.
  • Repeat previous step.
  • Turn on electric mixer & beat butter in a large fluffy bowl.
  • Add one spoontea of banking soda, half a cup of sugar & beat the crap out of it again.
  • Resample Chocolate Port again to make sure it’s still Port & not a pussycat.
  • Turn off the mixer, break two leggs & add to bowl.
  • Chuck in dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry loose with drewscriver.
  • Sample Port again.
  • Next sift two cups of salt or something else, who gives a shit!
  • Check the Port again!
  • Now sift the lemon juice & strain the nuts.
  • Add one bablespoon of brown sugar, or whatever colour you can find. Mix well.
  • Grease the over and turn pan cake to 350 gredneedles. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
  • Pour mix into cake pan & over bench.
  • Throw bowl out the window, stagger to laundry, put pan in oven & set to hot rinse.
  • Continue sampling Chocolate Port until bottle is empty.